songs i sing

Get Some Sleep

2009-09-08T02:17:13Z

I'm counting/hoping that nobody still reads this. If not, oh well. Hi.

I have one more miserable week in this place. At this time, seven days from now, I will be in Asheville beginning the next chapter in my life. I've spent exactly 5 years and 182 days shattering every perception of the world I used to hold back in Key West, for better or worse. Innocence has been traded in for a jaded perception. Will this move be enough to glue the pieces back together? Am I stuck in misery? It's hard to answer these questions positively when you're still surrounded by filth. I'm trying to keep my head above the surface.

I'm older than I used to be. Obvious, but still a keen insight. I've come out of my shell, hacked together by a childhood's worth of repression, only to find the world is a little dimmer than I thought it was. I've made music. I've fucked. I've sweated out nothing but pure emotion since my father passed away. Does that make me a better man? I often wonder what life would have been like had I stayed in my old mindset. Never connect. Never reveal. I regret my decisions as much as I celebrate them, but there's always that nagging suspicion that things could be better. Be grateful, Sergio. Be grateful you have the opportunity to turn everything around. Be grateful that people like your dad and your aunts have come into your life and really loved you in all your fractured fuck-ups. I'm grateful.

I will miss the friends I've made and kept. I won't miss the shallow connections that only spit me out when I was worthless. I won't miss the fairweather friends. I won't miss my youthful ideal of love. I won't miss this place, I'll miss the few people in it that kept me from drowning.

One more miserable week.

Bear

2009-07-24T13:28:48Z

I love everyone and everything most of the time but I really need to get out of my living situation. I can't help but feel like it's draining all my creativity and passion for life. If I could just go on a retreat or something. Live in the woods with a few close friends or something. It would be nice.

Ah well, here's to a new year.

I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous

2009-06-26T08:46:11Z

I guess it's to be expected. My family has always called me a "taker." Selfish, they said. I've tried to defend myself but maybe they were all right. I mean, majority rules, right? It's never fun to accept your own flaws, no matter how simple or superficial they are. I've come to terms with many of my faults, but it never gets any easier. I wish I could change the things that make me unlikeable or even unbearable. Maybe I just haven't hit my stride in life yet.

I'm joining the Air Force once my weight is in the allowable range. It's a big step, but I think it'll be positive in so many ways. Maybe the discipline is what my life needs right now. Lord knows the money is. I need to get out of this city for a while. I need to let go of my past loves, as they have for me. I tend to revisit that photo album in my mind, all smiles and joyful moments. Who wants to remember those moments of arguing, those angry glares as they walked away? I try not to, but it always brings me back. It always brings me back to those precious few times where I felt close to someone, where I felt warm and loved. Maybe by running away I can burn those photographs. Maybe by getting out of here I can take new ones. Nobody knows until I try, right?

I want you to hold me one last time, hold my face and tell me you love me.

Uncorrected Proofs

2009-06-23T06:56:34Z

Re-experiencing the joy of riding my bike is something I'll not let myself forget again. Flying down the street with burning legs and blowing hair, I am a young boy once more.

Biking around Key West was a means of escape for me. Escape from an abusive stepmother and the pain of my father slowly perishing. I was free, young, and restless. I let that old fire fade away in my heart, replaced with heartache and bills. I turned over an old leaf and let the city crush me under its unrelenting weight. I couldn't run away in a car...it was just another manifestation of my new self. I can pedal forever. I will pedal forever. I will pedal until all of those bad memories run out of breath. I will pedal until I forget about those chunks of my life I consider mistakes. I will pedal.

Sugary Fruits

2009-06-19T06:03:10Z

dear select few girls I think are exceptionally cute and would like to date,

please come over and watch silly movies with me. i promise i am fun and nice. being lonely is not a great feeling.

sincerely,
sergio

Hotelsmotels

2009-06-16T10:53:01Z

MUST. WRITE. HERE. MORE. OFTEN.

Not that posting about my silly little life helps my writing ability or anything, but it sure does seem to put things in perspective. My mind tends to drift from day-to-day without connecting all these little moments into a cohesive collection. I also seem to have a less-than-stellar memory.

Now, I seem to have forgotten what I was going to write about. C'est la vie!

Yesterday's Lunch

2009-06-08T08:43:59Z

I love how the moment I lose my car, all of my friends disappear. This is nice to know, everyone. I'm really glad I'm useless without it.

Great Expectations

2009-06-02T05:17:50Z

No! I won't let myself succumb to negative thoughts and ideas. I've pulled myself out of ruts before, and I will claw my way to the surface again or die doing it. I refuse to lay down!

POSI.

That's Not Me

2009-05-31T21:03:48Z

I'm usually a pretty positive person, regardless of what most people think. Especially after years of being surrounded by people who haven't gone through much shit in their lives, but still somehow manage to think their little world is soul-crushing, I've been able to keep my chin up through most of my life. So why am I being hit so hard right now? They say that life is cyclical, a series of ups and downs, so I guess lately would be a downer period. I feel silly about the whole thing, really. I always tell myself I have no reason to be sad or angry about anything, that it's all in my head...but I can't help it at this point. I just need something good to come my way, alright world? Deliver a letter or a package that tells me my life isn't tumbling down a steep hill. Send me an angel to snap me out of this.

I Saw Water

2009-05-29T18:33:50Z

I saw water
I said I wanted to break, my friends
But my dependency won't let me awake
I like to think that I can work it out some
But I want to be put into the ground

Today I needed a break
My friends are climbing mountains and I'm drowning in lakes
I swallowed water right in front of her face
Just to show that she had nothing to say

I felt lighter
I impressed her

My emotions ran unopposed
I felt just like Brian Jones
I never felt that lost before
I just don't feel incredible

But me, well of course I liked you
Have time for me? I don't expect you to
I see me become a recluse
It's buried, easy to seclude

I saw water
I felt better

Well I woke up feeling unbearable
When I drowned in my swimming pool
You thought it was an accident
I just can't get along with you

But me, well of course I liked you

Must Try Harder

2009-05-28T02:03:11Z

My car spun out of control on US-1 today, during heavy traffic and rain. It was really frightening, but I managed to donut and not hit anyone.

I'm depressed, yes!

I Was Married

2009-05-13T07:01:13Z

So, Anthony and I decided to cover Tegan and Sara's "Back In Your Head" for live shows. Since I don't really listen to T&S besides that one song, I downloaded The Con and all but a few of the songs bore me to tears. Oh well.

donthatemorethanyouhaveto

2009-05-09T13:51:02Z

I'm scared I've lost my fire.

I'm scared these songs aren't good enough.

I'm too prideful and stubborn to come to grips with the fact that I'm terrible. OY!

Follow The Map

2009-04-21T02:48:16Z

So, I have a show this weekend but my drummer is out of town. I really don't want to play solo anymore. Nobody takes it seriously, and lord knows I can't stand that.

WHATEV.

Disco Before The Breakdown

2009-04-17T06:42:05Z

If you follow the jaw-line down over the heart, the curves of your bone and muscle that make up your head to toe...it's just skin and thread, stitches and ligaments, words that we spoke only to regret. I know they're going to laugh at us when they see us out together "holding hands" like this. They wouldn't understand it if we told them all the reasons, not that I think this deserves any kind of explanation. We can make it up so we've got a smile painted on all the time, no matter what it's like on the inside. We'll keep this, keep us like a secret, because if my family and friends ever found out about the things we could never be, haunts we'll always keep, so fucking bittersweet.

Untitled 6

2009-04-03T01:18:47Z

I need something fresh, something exciting.

To be honest, I need a girl. Someone I feel comfortable with, someone that will laugh at my bad jokes and silly humor. Someone that won't abandon me at the first sign of being serious. Someone who will kiss me and not just wait to be kissed. Someone I can stay up late with.

I suppose I don't really "need" all these things, but it sure would be nice. I've put myself out there so much, and am so willing to let someone special into my life, that I can't see why it's so difficult. I hate being nice sometimes.

I don't have many LJ friends left, but hi! My screen name is doublehighfive so you should im me since I'm rarely on this thing anymore. I'm real fun, promise.

I Think I Know What This Might Be

2009-03-14T05:42:32Z

I think writing a "happy" post just jinxes everything and it all goes downhill.

Never again!

Saved By Old Times

2009-03-13T00:56:40Z

You probably know him as one of the Fathers of the United States, a great leader and diplomat. He signed the major documents of the founding of the U.S. including the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. Maybe you know him as an inventor, or as a scientist who flew kites in lightning storms, or as a writer and printing press operator.

But did you know that in 1726, at the age of 20, while on an 80-day ocean voyage from London back to Philadelphia, Benjamin Franklin developed a "Plan" for regulating his future conduct? He was partially motivated by Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." He followed the plan he created "pretty faithfully" even to the age of 79 (when he wrote about it), and he was even more determined to stick with it for his remaining days because of the happiness he had enjoyed so far by following it.

His "Plan" was made up of 13 virtues, each with short descriptions:

1. Temperance: Eat not to dullness and drink not to elevation.

2. Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.

3. Order: Let all your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time.

4. Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.

5. Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e. Waste nothing.

6. Industry: Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.

7. Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

8. Justice: Wrong none, by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

9. Moderation: Avoid extremes. Forebear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

10. Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes or habitation.

11. Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring; Never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.

12. Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

13. Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

He committed to giving strict attention to one virtue each week so after 13 weeks he moved through all 13. After 13 weeks he would start the process over again so in one year he would complete the course a total of 4 times.

He tracked his progress by using a little book of 13 charts. At the top of each chart was one of the virtues. The charts had a column for each day of the week and thirteen rows marked with the first letter of each of the 13 virtues. Every evening he would review the day and put a mark (dot) next to each virtue for each fault committed with respect to that virtue for that day.

Naturally, his goal was to live his days and weeks without having to put any marks on his chart. Initially he found himself putting more marks on these pages than he ever imagined, but in time he enjoyed seeing them diminish. After awhile he went through the series only once per year and then only once in several years until finally omitting them entirely. But he always carried the little book with him as a reminder.

Benjamin Franklin's 13 virtues are unique and obviously served him well since he is one of the most respected and most accomplished men in the history of the United States.

Ghost

2009-03-11T09:42:18Z

It's way early...just as usual. I haven't slept a wink. I am going to die at a young age, but what can you do?

Life seems to be on the up and up for the time being. I might get a job at Panera, which means cheap food and fun times. I have been scraping by with no income for the past few weeks and it is no fun. I know it is totally not "punx" to want money so badly but hell, I really need some cash flow at least. I can't even finance any fun projects I want to do, especially in terms of music. I can't even afford books for college, and I am quite worried that my scholarship might just...slip away. I can't let my aunt, my grandpa, or my dad down like that! Even more importantly, I can't let myself down like that. C'mon, Sergio, you used to be so motivated and inspired! Where's that youthful spirit? You're not dead yet!

Ah, girls! A CURIOUS SITUATION INDEED. I've met a girl who seems to be into me well enough. Saturday marked our first kiss, and a few hours on a couch with our hands entwined and quiet whispers made for a pleasant time. I've spent the past year being a jaded little asshole with rare exceptions (December) in terms of relationships, and though I tend to get a little swept up in new found romance, here's to hoping that this one works! I'll be seeing her in about two hours, nonetheless. An entire day alone! I wonder what we'll get up to.

I've been writing a lot of music lately, as well as all the touring (or trying to) and such and such. If I can count on one thing in my life to always be there, it's that. Every song that I write is incredibly personal and I hope people realize that I pour a lot of myself into every lyric. I am not a great singer, or a great guitar player, but maybe if I try hard enough I can make something out of this. I hope so, anyway. It's tough to deal with the assholes in this city sometimes. My next album will be full-band, cross my fingers, with horns and all that! As long as Lon actually gets around to recording me. I know you're reading this, Beshiri! LET'S DO IT.

I've spent my whole life trying to become comfortable with myself and I still think it's finally happening. I haven't felt the desire to change any large part of my personality for a while. I feel loved by those few friends I see everyday, all in their own different ways. I've got such a diverse and dysfunctional group of friends, and I don't think I'd change it for a thing. My garden is growing every day with new plants, and even when some wither and die, I'll keep watering until the day I shrivel up along with the rest of them.

This entry was a little scatterbrained, I'm sorry. Just know that I'm in a good mood lately and maybe I'll be less of a jerk. Maybe.

it's really hard to write with my right hand.

Distress of Ignorance

2009-03-01T06:58:06Z

I played a shitty show today for people who are disrespectful and unappreciative of the work that goes on around them. I am unconsoled. Thankfully, this week-long tour is going to save me from the absolute blinding rage that tends to take me over. I hope so, anyway.

I am beginning to grow into my own skin and start to expand my horizons. Meeting new people has opened up a world of possibilities and hope for my little world. I want to climb these fresh branches before they grow brittle and break.

Lastly, congratulations Alberto. I am seriously so proud of you.

Bed Abuse

2009-02-22T20:43:20Z

Sorry I've neglected you lately, Livejournal. I've been keeping myself bottled up and avoiding writing anything of any real sustenance for no real reason. I can't write any personal thoughts in tumblr, though. It doesn't feel right.

Last night, I attended a party. A "getty," I should say, though I despise that term. It was filled with faces that have always been on the fringe of my life, new smiles from new friends, and those same old faces I am used to by now. I don't feel anything around them these days, and it's sad to say. They're not the people I fell in love with years ago, the people I spent my high school life with: my first kiss, sex, drugs and drinking(or the avoidance of), and basically growing up. I feel like my time with them has shifted into a circle, an endless run-around of the same old things. All they ever seem to do is smoke or drink. Whatever happened to 6 a.m. coffee runs, to sitting around and talking about nothing and everything, to riding the bus downtown just to see new sights, or to have fun no matter what? Nothing's fun for them anymore unless they're fucked up. It's sad, and I feel so distant from all of it. That's life, though, isn't it? Faces appear and disappear as constantly as the tide.

New friends seem to be as refreshing as ever, though. People I ignored in high school, people who came into our group through relationships, and people who just seemed to appear. I look forward to seeing them, to helping them through their struggles, and they through mine. This may all change soon, but for now, I think this is the best path for me.

In terms of relationships, I've been fucked over once again. I've been typecast in this movie, playing the fool. This tendency to pour my heart out into everything I do keeps coming back to bite me. My heart is drained of all that blood, it's been hollowed out into an empty cavern in my chest, and no matter what I put in there, when I look again it is empty as ever. There's things about me that I know are unlikeable. I know I'm heavy. I know I'm awkward. I know I'm impulsive. All I can do is leave these things out in the open and hope somebody wants them. I try to be optimistic, but the outlook is grim.

Let Us Get Murdered

2009-01-20T05:17:21Z

hey everything, fuck you
i hate everything you do to me
i despise every lie i've come to believe
and i hate every evil thing that i see
this juxtaposition of good and bad
remind me of the best and the worst dreams i've had
i'm either to happy or fucking sad
and i can't keep up with that
and my job what a shame
just a mountain of death filling up my brain
i'm always tied to the tracks of the train
desperately afraid of going insane (like my family)
and i'm like to take advantage of a flock of wild birds
to mate and make my escape from this planet
christ almighty i am thirsty
i'm forever fat and ugly
stumbling bumbling bastard stubbly
faces will always be hungry
and i don't know if i'm capable of helping anyone
i'm at the mercy of emotions of my better friends

Big Plans Of Sleeping In

2009-01-17T16:21:54Z

Work is definitely looking up. I'm starting to sell so soon I will be rollin' in dolla$. I've been trying to feel more comfortable in social situations, and though I failed at talking to some girl at the show last night, I still feel a little bit better since I actually went.

Though I know you don't read this, I'd like you to know that I think you're a heinous bitch and I am glad to no longer be associated with the likes of you.

A bunch of my friends seem to be making bad decisions as of late, and though I am no stranger to them myself, I hope they stop before they're in deeper than they should be. I want some Five Guys burgers and to watch Notorious tonight, so someone should contact me.

Oh, It's Such A Shame

2009-01-09T03:10:46Z

You know what? You've done this completely to yourself. I've been the most selfless, forgiving, and caring person in the goddamn world, and all you can give me is complete apathy. Fuck this, and fuck you. I can only deal with getting stomped on for so long, and the fact that only excuse is "oh, I didn't feel like blah blah blah" is so FUCKING enraging that I'm gonna pop a blood vessel next time you say it. You can keep talking about regretting the past, but whining about your disgusting, ugly prick of an ex-boyfriend just means you missed out on what could've and probably would've been an amazing thing. Do you think you made a good decision? I think you're too wrapped up in your own "miserable" world to ever stick your head out and realize there's somebody who's put his entire self out for you, and you just kept your head tucked in. Thanks for nothing, thanks for being exactly what every other girl has been. I'm done with you.

Swim

2009-01-05T06:04:22Z

Old roads have opened up new possibilities, and I am beginning to see other paths to the same destination. I need to learn to enjoy myself more. I haven't drank soda in a while. I miss a lot of people. Life is about to begin.